Will it be well?

If you're a thinker and go to Vanguard, this has been a mind-blowing week...literally. If you're a feeler and go to Vanguard, I imagine this has been a heart-afire week...literally. I'm a thinker, so I've been pondering ceaselessly. I've asked God, "What does this mean? What are You doing?" I've asked others, "Why is that? What can I do?" I've asked myself, "Who will you be? How can you be better?" And at one point or another, I've even asked David, "Where are you right now?"

Some of my questions have been answered. Most have not. Trevailing is rather like that - a labor of the soul with no clear finish in sight. I just keep going, day by day, trying my best to live my best according to who God is and to whom He's made me to be. Some hours are good. Others are not. I don't do well in the face of the worst in people. I have to do better with my judging and disappointment. I "do do" well with people inspired to worship God and serve their family - church and nuclear. They call me to a higher level of faith and admiration of just how deep God is in the hearts of His people. I've come to scant conclusions but, while few, they are strong.

Here's one my soul knows very well:

a plea and an ultimatum are not the same.

I have chosen to believe God for a miracle of life and reunion until He answers my plea with a "No." Others approach the throne differently: I do not know what's right or wrong. Or even if it's that simple. But I know who I am, what I'm called to do. So I do that. And I have peace. I have wondered why. Why not the boat in James rocking to and fro on the tossing waves of an emotional ocean? The answer: Because, though my plea is a cry desperate and consuming from my soul, it's not an ultimatum. My "Lord, please let him live" isn't followed by an "or else." I risk that He'll say no, but not that His no will cost me Him. For sure, I am betting on God, but my odds are good because I know He'll do what's Right. What's Best. What's Him. And that, though sometimes wrenching, is never wrong.

But if I demand - even in the most secret of my secret place - God do what I want or I'll ________ (insert some wager of flesh here), then I just gave Him an ultimatum. I fear that, though coming from a similar place of desperation, is always wrong. It's too risky for me; the stakes are too high. I beg Him for David on behalf of Renee, of two small boys...and, yes, I beg him for me. I beg him for anyone and everyone who makes the same plea in the service of a friend. But I won't leave my God or turn from Him or deny He is Who He says He is. The cost is too great. The price is too high. I'm beleaguered, but I'm not lost.I try to encourage hope wherever I can be and pray for peace wherever I cannot. I think and ponder and wait with everyone else.

And I suppose I continue to meditate on one thought that, even in the face of so many questions, isn't a question at all so much as a prayer for us all: "Whatever your answer, Lord, whether celebration or grief, let it be well in our souls."