The Precipice

There is a kind of precipice on which I've stood in my life; a type of cliff that teeters between the here and the there...the faithful and the faithless. Before I stood on this precipice, I would have told you that no such place exists, that the difference between these two doesn't come down to one "choice" line in the sand of the believer's desert. But it does.

When God pushes us into a refining fire, we seem so surprised that it's hot. We ask God to show us who He is, but then our flesh wants to edit Him...deleting the hard parts and cutting and pasting them with the good. The warm and fuzzy. We want God to be the Giver of brand new healthy babies, yet we struggle with the truth that children die the world over every day. This is hard. If there's a heart in your chest, it should be hard. He knows it's hard. But it's not until the fire He pushes you into leaves you begging with a soul consumed by one purpose, one plea, one call to the Living God Who created the heavens and can open up the earth...it's then you reach the precipice. Because, see, faith involves risk. By faith, you ask for what your soul yearns and find yourself facing this most difficult question: What if He says no?

There's your line: will you still believe God is Who He says He is if the answer isn't the one you craved? If yes, you stand. If no, you don't. I want to be a friend who believes in others I care about...no matter what. I don't want to tell them I didn't think they could do it when they achieve a great goal. I don't want to remind them of the odds against them or the obstacles  they still face when they're in the fire of God. I want to stand in the gap for them, lifting them up, letting them feel love. And I don't want to be that believer, that daughter of God who thinks small and finds herself surprised when God delivers BIG packages. I choose to believe.

I have stood on this precipice four times in my life; ironically, what I once didn't believe existed is now familiar, albeit tenuous, territory. Three times, God said yes to my cry...and my husband lived. Once, He said no...and our baby died. This is real. This is raw. Three times I celebrated because God was exactly as I thought He was...as He should be. And once, He reshaped my very soul. Celebrating is fun. The refining fire is not. But I assure you, I am better for it on the other side. When I've stepped away from the cliff to choose faithfulness, a reboot happened. Today, I'm more like Him than I thought I could be...and am more aware of how much further I have to go.

And now I stand for the fifth time. Waiting. On my precipice. With the full knowledge I'll still choose Him. I'd rather have Him as He is in His fullest, than edit Him so I can feel better. I want it all. I want all of Him.

But it doesn't make the precipice any less scary.