The Hat

In January of 2008, I bought Craig a hat. The occasion prompting the purchase was twofold: his 35th birthday and an upcoming tumor biopsy.

The sentiment behind the purchase was a change in his consciousness I was determined to provoke. Perhaps to best understand the hat - and the sentiment - is through the visual.

Yep, they all have one item in common: The Superman Hat.

Though I've given him several over the years, this is the one he wears the most. I don't know if he knows he does. I suppose I'll have to ask him. But, whether consciously or not, he owns the message of this hat.

And that was the sentiment.

After months of pokes and prods and multiple scans, Craig still had a ways to go...and was feeling the discouraging effects of it. I was convinced he shouldn't go into the necessary biopsy - already painful and delicate and, therefore, quite scary in its own right - with that mindset. So, when I saw this hat, I scooped it up immediately...to remind him to be strong. To be faithful. To be determined beyond reason or logic. To stand firm when he most wanted to fall. And to believe in the might within him, given by God, no matter what.

When I gave it to him, I told him he had to live. He had to survive. I told him he was the most beautiful man I'll ever know. He just smiled and put it on, probably not really feeling any of those thoughts were true. But he wore that hat the day of his biopsy right until they wheeled him into the lab. And he asked me to get it for him as soon as he came out.

He conquered that biopsy. And the excruciating pain it brought. And the tumor it diagnosed.

Anyone who knows him will tell you, if you see Craig, you're likely to see that hat. 

He's a husband, father, brother, son, and friend.

He's smart and good and immeasurably wise.

He's a survivor.

After all, he's Superman.

I Spent The Day...

I spent the day bowling with great friends and a 10-pound neon pink ball. Yes - I hear your snickering loud and clear.

(I missed the Zitzmanns and the Cunninghams, so I imagine the picture is bigger and with four 

more people in it.)

I spent the day going to Barnes & Noble to spend a gift card from my mother-in-law (who always knows what I need and what I like). I bought two new selections:

I spent the day gorging myself on seafood enchiladas at Amanda's Fonda where a fabulous house margarita and salsa with just the right amount of cilantro (right, Jason Bowles?) also reside. With five of my favorite faces around the table giving great conversation and loud laughter, lunch was the perfect combination of form and content.

I spent the day drinking a tall, nonfat, half-caff, light foam, no whip, toffee nut latte from Starbucks (thanks, Quass's!). Yes, it's complicated. But if it's gonna' cost three dollars and sixty cents, it better be just the way I want it, right?

I spent the day munching on my favorite snack duo (Hot Tamales and Honey Wheat pretzels). Thanks, Mom and kiddos!

And sipping from my new favorite treasure from Bee.

I spent the day celebrating that I'm a bit more like who I want to be and a bit less like what I am.

I spent the day happy. 

I spent the day loved.

I spent the day marking 34.

34 Truth

It's official: I'm 34. In homage to another year of God-given life, I've conjured 10 "truths" I enter the next 12-months, as I say, "knowing in my knower" and striving to live each day.

1. No amount of action (despite how much I live by action) conveys value to another human being like the soul-certain assurance of verbalizing just three powerful words: I. Love. You.
2. No amount of words (despite my measureless devotion to them) conveys value to another human being like doing what I say I'll do and being who I say I am.
3. It is what it is.
4. It really is all in the delivery.
5. Relationship is far too precious to be about quantity. Quality will change my very soul every time.
6. To that end - never, never, never lie.
7. And never, never, never betray.
8. In that way, I'll always, always, always have the backs of the ones I love.
9. I choose to live my life as a story...but realize He's writing it.
10. God is not a myth. Faith is not a hoax. I have seen. I believe.

Welcome, 34!

The Best Birthday Gift

On the a.m. of May 2nd, 2007, Craig went to the local ER for treatment of a red, swollen, achy left calf. Seems we were wrong in our hopes docs would diagnose a tendon tear or muscle sprain...but then, hope is rather like that, is it not? That determination in the foreground to believe the best while the whispers of fear and doubt lurk in the back? In any case, we knew, after a few days of pain refusing to abate, something was wrong. We never imagined - couldn't have imagined - that a 7-inch blood clot in Craig's left calf had burst, firing an approximate 4-inch section through his heart to diffuse a massive pulmonary embolism through both lungs.

By all medical accounts, Craig could have died.

Should...have died.

Yet, still he walks amongst us.

On the a.m. of May 3rd, 2007, I awoke to greet my 31st birthday with arms and legs akimbo squeezed onto a small recliner in a hospital room on the cardiovascular floor of Penrose hospital. The day shift nurse had entered the room to check Craig's vitals, adjust the IV tube administering monstrous doses of heparin, and confirm that Craig hadn't moved throughout the night...not even an inch...for, at this point, we could only attempt to keep him stabilized lest the remaining 3-inch clot should detach, threatening death via another embolism or, worse, a fatal brain anneurism.

And so began my 31st year of life - a chronicle of time marked by 11 months of 3 hospitalizations for Craig, including one to remove a tumor "inadvertently" discovered during his second blood clotting episode (but let me point out: faith tells me there is no such phenomenon as coincidence...so nothing is "inadvertent" with God). When we share the story of that year - of labs and biopsies, hospitals and doctors; of fatigue and spiritual famine, angst and opposition; of one lost baby and one conceived - I hear one common refrain: "Boy, what a  birthday that was."

And here is how I reply:
Yes, it was. I will recall with great pleasure that birthday, particularly, because that birthday, I received the best gift ever - my husband's life. For, although most express the sentiment to acknowledge the negative of the story (and understandably so), I recognize the positive.

On May 2nd, I drove to the hospital begging God for just one plea: Don't make me a 30-yr old widow with two small children for I cannot be without my husband. 

On May 3rd, I awoke in that hospital thanking God for just one gift: Craig was alive.

Birthdays changed for me after that. Before, they would come and go with my little attention spared, save for the "biggies" like 21 and 30. Now, I celebrate every year because I now am certain - rather than vaguely supposing the possibility - that not even youth spares death. Now, I mark each May 3rd with a zest for another 365 days spent with the love of my life, our children, and the friends and family who make every day of those 365 worth remembering.

Now, every May 3rd, I recall that May 3rd. 

And I thank God for the one gift that gives again and again just by walking the earth...

Craig.