Blue Plate Forecast?

Wouldn't it be nice if the mapping of your life was like a weather segment?
I know, I know: your "What the ?!" is my "I've got it all worked out in my blond-follicled cranium!"
So I'll lay it out for you.

As I was catching the noon news today (one step away from The Blue Plate Special that I am), the standard grammar-crushing, suave-you're-not weather fellow came on to tell me what my climatic future holds - or doesn't, depending on the roll of the tropospheric dice around here.

Anyway, the ridiculously quaffed little gent boasted "It's Springtime! Thunderstorms Return This Week!" I soon felt myself nodding along, mentally categorizing the days into jacket/no jacket, flip flops or socks, hair down or tied back to prevent face-lash (dang Colorado zephyrs!). When along came The Big Thought: Wouldn't it be nice if the mapping of my life was like a weather report?

Not surprisingly, that grand pondering came just about half-time in the segment and - alas! - I figured any possible fruit was long gone. Until I checked the website and discovered the summary. Shazam! And, yes, I copied it just for you.

Weatherwise, this will be an interesting week. It starts with more clouds and areas of fog overnight tonight. Keeping Tuesday morning's lows in the 30s/40s. After the fog thins, there's a 20% chance for showers and thunderstorms Tuesday afternoon and evening. The further south and east you are, the more likely the storms will be. Wednesday will feature a repeat performance of "fog early/storms later". Winds will increase Wednesday night, as another cold front approaches, then moves through first thing Thursday morning, leaving the rest of Thursday breezy and cooler, with isolated PM storms. Temperatures will continue to fall on Friday, with breezy winds in the afternoon. At the moment, your weekend looks breezy, with at least a 20% chance of showers Saturday, a 30-40% chance on Sunday, and a lingering 20-30% chance on Monday.

 Now, what if it had a little life rewrite? Maybe something like "People-wise, this week's gonna' suck. It'll start with that nasty little comment you won't realize you made out loud until that coworker scarfing down the garlic chicken asks what you mean by tic-tac moment. After the yelling dims, there's a 40% probability you'll clip that guy's bumper because you were too busy talking on your Blue Tooth to notice he stopped - in the middle of the street. Avoid the lines at Target during peak afternoon hours on Wednesday: your efforts to squeeze in that little errand will make you horribly late to the carpool line. Energy levels will continue to fall on Thursday when you realize you're not yet done with that work project due tomorrow...and the dog just barfed all over your bed. At the moment, the weekend looks promising - as long as you RSVP 'nay' to that dinner (the shrimp turns out to be bad) and avoid Saturday hurling and Sunday retching. Look forward to a new week holding some lingering yuck, but not too bad considering the 7 days just behind you."

Why not that, I ask you?

Yet, I know it cannot be.
So I turn the channel.
I've got a Blue Plate Special to hit.