Twitter Wit

Listen, I didn't dream it up: it's what they named the book. I found this little gem during a recent trip to the public library. In case I was boring you to death last time we talked, I might mention this is one of my favorite "me dates." When I need an hour or two - just a smidge of a sanity window - I run away to my closest library branch and wheedle away the time hunting the stacks for that gem of a find...such as this one.
Now, I don't tweet but, then again, I don't have to in order to know that tweeting is to Twitter what status updates are to Facebook. Let me also say that I - who only turns on my cell during school hours and has never even sent a text - have no interest whatsoever in permanently residing in this porthole of a world spent documenting my every whisper of thought.

But visiting is nice.
Visiting is fun.
And, in this case, visiting left me laughing so hard my sides actually hurt the next day.

This is an authorized collection of "some of the funniest tweets of all time." But, as its editor hurriedly points out, tweets are about far more than humor. If sarcasm is the grumpy man's wit, then Twitter is the postmodern, culture-saavy, uncensored, and sometimes all-out raw man's wit...conveyed in 140 characters or less! Some have elusive references; others are so accessible as to be boring. Lots and lots are crass (my faves, I gotta' tell 'ya), and just as many are...well...let's say more-than-crass.

But they're all worth noting because they're real: they came from real people noting real, albeit often unusual, quirks of everyday human life. It's a time capsule imprinted forever on the Internet mainframe, really.

Now that, people, is a social experiment worth glimpsing.

Here's a sampling for your reading pleasure (Warning: adult content to follow. Wink)

I stood there wondering, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hit me. Notactually me.

He said, "Over my dead body!" and I guess I see now that it wasn't polite to ask if I could pencil that in." msteciuk

Even with a cup full of change, the hobo wouldn't front me $.50 to add vanilla to my latte. Hope the bastard has fun finding his cart. buttahface

PSA: "Instant coffee" isn't either. johntunger

A friend msgd me a picture, "africankids.jpg" when I closed the msg, it said: "africankids not saved. Save now?" I have God's cell phone. eersatzmoe

"You will not sucks forever." Thanks, fortune cookie. pheend

Two people are arguing just outside as to the definition of a "glancing blow." Do I really have to do everything? Here. Let me demonstrate. trelvix

Lady. Say "You're welcome a lot" in response to my "thanks a lot" one more time, and we're gonna be in the newspaper tomorrow. beep

I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris! d_g_

I will follow you into the sunset, in hopes you catch on fire and I get to watch. drunkstepfather

My tits look awesome when I pick them up off the floor and put them in a bra. fourformom

I wish someone would invent a smell-yourself device. That's all. AprilSTL

The DVD of my life will include a four-hour montage of me trying to open packs of gum. Rayke

That's ok. I've been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while. ledge

London city airport. Where form meets function. AND THEY HAVE A FIGHT. stephenfry